Monthly Archives: July 2012

If you are going to date me, these are things you should know

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  1. If I can have a beer with my meal, I am going to have a beer with my meal.
  2. I pick my nose. Not in a gross way, but in an I-don’t-want-boogers-in-my-nose way.
  3. An ex-girlfriend of mine is now a lesbian.
  4. Do not touch my radio. The music that I am listening to is on for a reason.
  5. I love naps and will take them at anytime. If that means me laying on your stomach while you watch Reba, so be it, as long as I get to sleep.
  6. I don’t do drama!!!!!
  7. I don’t usually panic, but if I do it is going to be awkward.
  8. We are not going to spend all day together and sleep together every night. I need my space. There are times where I will go to the bathroom for 10-15 minutes at a time just to be alone.
  9. I will quote TV shows/movies/comedy specials a lot. I expect you to know all of them and will judge you if you do not.
  10. I adore cute redheads. I won’t leave you for one, but I will definitely let you know if I see one.
  11. Out of every eight jokes I tell, only one will be funny.
  12. If you have to ask if I can drive home from the bar, then I can. You will know when I can’t.
  13. I usually won’t notice if you change your hair or your clothes, unless it looks bad. If you look good I just assume that’s what you are going for and will just let it happen.
  14. Sometimes I get drunk and tell anal sex jokes in public, and other times I am smart.
  15. The word ‘period’ freaks me out. Do not talk about it. Ever.
  16. I snore.
  17. I have never bought a girl flowers. I bought a necklace once. I am not strong in either of these areas.
  18. Strip clubs are fun. I’ve been to one and I plan on going to more.
  19. I will write and/or tell jokes about you.
  20. I can cook, but I don’t do it because I get bored and hungry half way through and would just rather make a sandwich.
  21. You can hold my hand in public. Anything other than that will require discussion. I am not out to prove to the world that I am dating someone who will make out with me in front of Cinnabon.
  22. I dance when I feel like it, which I can almost guarantee will not be when you want me to. I have a sweet spot when I’m drunk where I dance, but I have yet to pinpoint when that is.
  23. I hate cats. And birds. Birds are for eating.
  24. I watch porn. Not religiously, but enough to say that I do it.
  25. There will be days when I don’t shower and just spend the day on the couch watching old movies on TCM and Netflix.
  26. I am more likely to cook when I’m drunk at two in the morning than I am at any other time of the day.
  27. Texting makes me mad. I hate it. I would rather just talk to you in person. If you text me more than four times I am most likely just going to call you.
  28. Eye contact and strong handshakes are important to me.
  29. I can’t do small talk. It often takes me between three and six times of talking to someone before learning their name. I also am bad at introducing my friends. You’ll need to cover me in public around people before I tell an awkward joke about anal sex.
  30. I am bad at managing money, but I like to tell myself that I’ll work on it.
  31. Even if you are good at it, I am not going to trust you to drive me anywhere.
  32. If you bug me during a sporting event that I care about, I will yell at you. Somewhat out of love, but mostly out of hate.
  33. At some point, I am going to get you mad at me on purpose.
  34. I have a receding hairline that I am sensitive about but you won’t know until you bring it up, so don’t do it.
  35. Awkward situations make me laugh. I cannot help it. 
  36. I like my sandwiches to be cut into triangles, my coffee black, and 2% milk with my cereal.